


Recovery

by Libstar



Category: The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-05-30 08:26:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6416200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Libstar/pseuds/Libstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look into the Sachs-Priestly household as Miranda recovers from cancer with her wife, her daughters and their families around her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Originally posted on ff.net this fic started as a one shot based on a half finished piece which I found when going through some old notebooks and decided to finish. Thanks to the encouragement of mglummer, I expanded into much more and is therefore dedicated to them. I'm told every chapter of this should come with a tissue warning so consider yourself warned!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Why don’t you join them?” Miranda suggested, although she didn’t move her head from its place resting on Andrea’s shoulder. If she were honest with herself, she didn’t want the other woman to go anywhere but she knew that her wife was silently longing to join the rest of the family on the beach and she couldn’t begrudge her that as much as she wanted to be selfish and keep her for herself.  
“You sure?” Andrea asked quietly, pressing a kiss to the silk scarf that was wrapped tightly around the older woman’s head, “I can stay here, I don’t mind.”  
“No, go on.” Miranda pushed herself upright and tugged the blanket more tightly around herself despite the fact she knew it would do little to help the bone deep chill she felt almost constantly.  
“Shout if you need anything.” The brunette pressed a gentle kiss to her mouth and smiled. “I love you.” Miranda watched her go, chuckling when she turned and blew another kiss with a grin before joining the girls in the surf, sweeping Jessica off her feet and swinging her round, drawing a squeal from the little girl. Miranda wanted so much to be able to join them but she felt so weak, so cold, that the thought of moving made her want to sleep.  
Treatment had been tough, tougher than she had been prepared for despite the numerous books, blogs and articles she had read in an attempt to prepare herself for what was to come, and she was feeling the lasting effects keenly. This holiday was supposed to be a celebration of sorts, her treatment was finished, the doctors had told them that the cancer was in remission, but she still felt wretched and was struggling to find any enjoyment in the time with her family. She had never been good at being ill, always preferring to be on the move, to be busy, to be in amongst the action, but the bone deep weariness she felt constantly meant that she was no longer able to get involved and it infuriated her. Her energy cam in waves, it was unfortunate however that those waves tended to peak in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping and dip in the middle of the day when she should have been able to spend time with her family.  
Twisting in her chair she pulled her moleskin notebook which had been a constant companion through everything, from its place hidden between the cushions and let it fall open at the next blank page. When she had come to terms with her diagnosis she had also come to terms with her mortality and she had realised that there were things she needed to do, things she needed to make sure people knew if the worst happened. There was a lot she wanted to say to Andrea, things that she knew she would never be able to truly articulate if she tried to say them out loud and so she had started writing. Even with her all clear she would continue to write because now more than ever she was more aware than she ever had been that she would be the one to inevitably leave Andrea and there was still so much she needed to say.  
Looking out over the sand she smiled at the sight of her wife running through the waves after their eldest grandchildren, Caroline and Cassidy sitting a little farther back keeping an eye on the younger two who were building sandcastles. Andrea had barely changed over the last twelve years, she still insisted on running at least three miles a day and it had paid off, maintaining the figure that Miranda was still ashamed that she had once referred to as fat. Her hair, now shot through with a small amount of grey was still a beautiful and rich chocolate brown and while some wrinkles now framed her eyes Miranda knew that they were simply evidence of all of the happiness they had shared. Her eyes still watching the scene she began to pen her next instalment.  
  
_Andrea,_  
_You used to ask me what I was scared of and I don’t think I ever gave you a straight answer. I always wanted to see me as the strong one and that meant not showing any fear. I just wish that that strength, the fearlessness, had ever been true. I’ve always been scared Andrea, my whole life, but never so much as I am when it comes to you, since the moment I began to realise the extent of my feelings for you I’ve been terrified._  
_Since that year in Paris, the year we don’t talk about, my biggest fear has been losing you again. My heart almost stopped that day and even when I opened the door to my suite to find you exhausted but resolute the fear continued to be very, very real._  
_I long ago set aside the fear that you would grow bored of me or realise what you were missing elsewhere and find someone else who could offer you more than I. You are the only person who has ever said their wedding vows to me and I actually felt they meant them but there have been many more fears to replace the one that you might leave me. ___  
_The older I get, and especially now, the more terrified I get that I will be the one to leave you, of course that was always inevitable but since the diagnosis it has become very, very real. I thought I had come to terms with all of this years ago, but faced with the truth of my mortality, of leaving you and the girls and our grandchildren has brought me to my knees. I’m terrified that we will run out of time to do and say all of the things we are supposed to, all the things we have planned._  
_I’m terrified that when I’m gone you’ll find someone else and move on, I’m equally terrified that you wont. All I want for you Andrea, all I’ve ever wanted, is for you to have the same happiness that you have spent the best years of your life giving me...._  
  
“Grama Randa?” she looked up from the page and smile down at Jessica who was looking up at her expectantly.  
“Yes my darling,” tucking the notebook back into its hiding place she helped the little girl up onto her lap, hating that she didn’t have the strength to lift her, “What are you doing back up here?”  
“I’m sleepy,” the girl mumbled, snuggling her way under the blanket, “Can I stay here with you?”  
“Of course you can sweetheart,” Miranda tucked the strawberry blonde head under her chin and pulled the blanket tighter round them both.  
“You ok Grama?” the little girl asked, snuggling into the warmth and popping her thumb into her mouth just like Cassidy did when she was that age.  
“I am, why don’t you close your eyes for a little while? I’ll wake you up when everyone comes back.”

 

“Miranda.” The older woman stirred slightly and winced as her back protested to the position she had forced it into, “Miranda sweetheart, wake up.” She blinked her eyes open, coming blearily eye to eye with her wife, “Hey there sleepyhead, time to get up.” Behind the brunette she could see that the weather had taken a turn for the worst and she pushed herself up, pleased that she actually felt a little better. Accepting Andrea’s hand she allowed herself to be pulled up and into a strong embrace.  
“Caro and Cass are watching a movie with the kids, did you want to join them?” Andrea asked as they wandered back into the house, pulling the door closed behind them just as the first large rain drops began to fall.  
“Why don’t we take advantage of the quiet and take a bath? As much as I love them, it certainly isn’t as peaceful when you end up sharing with one or more of our darling grandchildren.”  
“I wont argue with that.” Andrea chuckled, pressing a kiss to the older woman’s temple as she led them through the house, snagging a bottle of wine and two glasses as they passed the kitchen, “Might as well make the most of it.”  
Once locked in their master bath Andrea set about filling the tub and switching on the ipod speakers before she turned to face her wife. With a gentle smile she reached up and untied the Hermes scarf wrapped around her head, her heart breaking when Miranda averted her eyes in shame. Of all of the visible symptoms of the cancer and the treatment losing her hair had been by far the hardest part for Miranda as it felt as if she was losing a very tangible part of her identity. She refused to leave the townhouse without her wig, no matter how hot and uncomfortable it could be to wear some days and even at home she rarely allowed the family to see her in at least a headscarf. Andrea though, always biased when it came to her wife, thought she was beautiful regardless of what was on the top of her head.  
“Look at me sweetheart.” She said, gently cupping the older woman’s cheek, the tips of her fingers brushing over the baby soft strawberry blonde hair that was beginning to grow back. When Miranda eventually made eye contact she was fighting back tears.  
“I’m sorry Andrea.”  
“Hey, no apologising.” Andrea’s voice was firm but gentle as she pulled the other woman closer, her hand cradling her head to her, “You are beautiful and strong and I love you.”  
“I’ve questioned your taste from the very beginning darling,” Andrea was pleased to hear a small amount of levity in the words even as she felt dampness on her cheek where Miranda’s touched her own, “And I find increasingly that I do not wish you to change it.”  
“Good,” Andrea pulled back slightly, pleased to see a twinkle in her wife’s eyes that was too often missing in the wake of her illness, “Because you’ve been unsuccessful this far, I don’t rate your chances.” Leaning back she turned off the taps. Miranda allowed her wife to undress her, removing the many layers which were designed not only to keep her warm but also mask exactly how much weight she had lost during her treatment and Andrea ensured to run warming hands over every inch of exposed, chilled skin. As soon as all of her clothes were removed Andrea nudged her into the tub and poured her a glass of wine, settling herself on the vanity across from the bath and taking a drink from her own.  
“Join me?” Miranda asked shyly, it had been so long since she had allowed herself to feel the full, naked, length of her wife against her and she found that right in that moment there was nothing she wanted more. Andrea didn’t need to be told twice and it wasn’t until Miranda reached out and squeezed a fumbling hand and whispered, “Take your time darling.” That she stopped and took a breath. Squeezing the hand over hers she leant down and kissed her wife before beginning again, much slower this time.  
“Scoot forward,” she said when she was undressed and she had moved her wine to the side of the tub. Slipping in behind Miranda she wrapped her arms around the other woman’s stomach and pulled her back into her, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. “This is nice.”  
“Mmm.” Miranda purred, resting her head back against the younger woman’s shoulder and smiling, “It is.” She’d been so ashamed and uncomfortable in her skin after the surgery and the treatment that she had hidden herself away, avoided as much as she could being fully undressed in front of her wife, never mind her wife actually touching her. Andrea had been incredibly patient and understanding, making sure that Miranda knew that she loved her, that she was there as soon as she was ready and how good it felt in that moment made her wish she hadn’t been so ridiculous.  
“How are you feeling?” Andrea asked, stroking her hands over her wife’s stomach, pleased that she felt slightly more substantial in her arms than she had recently. The rate at which the weight had dropped of Miranda once her treatment started had been the most terrifying thing for Andrea. While Miranda had always been petit she had always been toned and strong and as the strength left her Andrea was terrified that the fight would leave her too. She should have known better, this was Miranda Priestly she was dealing with.  
“Content.” Miranda hummed, twisting so she could press her cheek to the other woman’s chest, her fingers leaving wet trails across tanned skin, “I can’t thank you enough for staying by my side through all of this.”  
“You don’t need to thank me,” Andrea brushed her hand over Miranda’s cheek and kissed her lightly, “When I married you I said in sickness and in health and I meant it. I’m not going anywhere unless I’m going there with you. Now relax before someone comes banging on the door with their rubber ducks and submarines!”


	2. Chapter 2

Andrea brushed her fingers through the hair under her hand and scratched lightly over her wife’s scalp, taking the chance to enjoy the silence before the other woman’s alarm went off and all hell broke loose. It was going to be a hellish day and no matter how well they had planned for it Andrea was sure that something was bound to go wrong. The whole ‘event’ was several months in the making, Miranda had finally decided, after getting back on her feet after the cancer, that it was time for her to leave Runway and it was D Day. Miranda was sending her last edition to print and leaving Runway in Emily’s more than capable hands.

The shrill ringing of Miranda’s alarm clock broke through the silence and Andrea could feel the other woman stirring at her side even as she leant over to stop the noise. When she settled back into the bed Miranda’s eyes were open and she was smiling sleepily.

“Hey there beautiful.” She smiled, stroking the older woman’s cheek lightly and kissing her forehead sweetly.

“Morning darling.” Miranda shifted, bringing their bodies closer and pressed her face into Andrea’s neck, taking a long, deep breath. “You seem very awake, why didn’t you wake me sooner?” it was true that Andrea had been awake for a long time already, true that it was rare that she be awake, never mind coherent even after Miranda’s alarm had heralded that start of the day and also true that usually if she woke early she would wake the older woman so they could spend a few quiet moments together before the start of their days but that morning she had been so caught up in her worry that waking Miranda early hadn’t even crossed her mind.

“It’s going to be a long day, you need all the sleep you can get.”

“As do you.” Miranda rolled onto her side so she was propped up on her elbow and looked down at the brunette, a small frown causing a crease between her eyes, it was very rare that Andrea struggled to sleep “What has had you awake for so long?”

“A little anxiety that something might go wrong today.” She admitted, reaching out to smooth away the frown, it had been a long time since she had been Miranda’s assistant, but big events still made her a little edgy and that day was by far the biggest.

“I told you darling, today is all for show. My final issue was completed yesterday all that happens today is that it’s sent to the printers. Then all there is left is lunch with the staff, clearing out my office and that ridiculous party before we catch our flight.” Miranda shrugged, “There’s really nothing that could go wrong at this point, unless you are about to tell me that there is some reason you can’t be with me today everything will be perfect.”

 

Famous last words, Andrea thought later that day as she tore through the corridors of Runway in her ridiculous heels. Miranda’s dress for the party hadn’t arrived, her shoes had gone AWOL and she had until the end of the staff lunch to fix it without Miranda finding out and it ruining her day. The older woman had been through so much in the last few years with the cancer and the recovery both physical and mental, it had taken her a long time to get everything back under her own control and Andrea wanted nothing less than the perfection her wife deserved for that day.

“Everything ok darling?” Miranda asked when she returned to her office after lunch to find her other half looking a little out of breath.

“Fine,” Andrea nodded, pleased when Miranda let it drop, everything was fine, now, the dress had been delivered to the townhouse and her shoes were there with it, she’d organised for someone to bring them over and they would arrive before they were needed. Miranda never needed to know. “How was your lunch?”

“Lovely. Pastis delivered as usual.” She nodded, taking a seat on the small couch in the corner and patting the seat beside her, she knew she needed to finish sorting through everything but she needed five minutes first.

“Doing ok?” Andrea asked, dropping into the seat and looping her arm around the woman’s shoulder, pulling her into an embrace, Miranda allowed it, dropping her head onto her wife’s shoulder and breathing steadily and deeply.

“It’s harder than I thought.” She admitted quietly, “But I’m ok.”

“It’s allowed to be hard darling, you’ve put your everything into this place for so long.”

“But I want this, I’m ready for it and Emily is more than ready to take the reigns.” She felt ridiculous, being so emotional about something she had chosen to do but she couldn’t seem to help it. She was quietly pleased that Andrea stayed quiet, knowing that no matter what was said to her in that moment, her mood would not improve. Andrea was right, Runway had been such a large part of her life for the best part of thirty years, it had taken so much from her both professionally and personally but it had also given her more than she could ever imagine. She wouldn’t have Andrea in her life if it wasn’t for the magazine and Miranda viewed the younger woman as her greatest gift, second only to her daughters and grandchildren. Without Runway they never would have met, never would have lost touch for all those years either, but the seed had been planted while Andrea was her assistant and it had needed the time apart to bloom and grow.

“You should go and let Serena get started on your make up.” She said quietly, they had sat for longer than she had planned and running the risk of actually being late.

“What about you?”

“I’ll be along soon, I just need to pack up my drawers.”

“And you’ll be ok?”

“I’ll be fine, I’ll come and find you when I’m done.” She allowed a lingering kiss before pushing herself upright and moving towards her desk, there was an empty box ready and waiting for her to fill and she dropped down into her chair and took a deep breath before pulling the top drawer open. It was mostly mock ups, copies of favourite spreads, designers sketches and the odd post it carrying a designers contact information, it was the unorganised side of the pristine editor and she dropped it all into the box to be sorted at a later date, the next drawer down was much the same but she knew that the bottom drawer was much more personal. Photographs, pressed flowers, notes that Andrea had left her if she had called in and missed her, ticket stubs from a few shows they had seen, all four of her grandchildren’s scan photos and right at the bottom the notebook which had been her constant companion since her diagnosis. It had been a few months since she had last written in it but that moment felt right so she found the next blank page and fished her favourite fountain pen from her bag.

_Andrea,_

_Today I start another great adventure. I’m finally handing over my magazine (for it is MY magazine) to Emily, I’m finally retiring from Runway and it is as exciting as it is terrifying. You once told me that I could stay with the magazine until the day I died and you would support that and for a long time I thought that maybe that was what I would choose. But the cancer made me realise that there is more to life. I still don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when my life isn’t dictated by fickle designers and demanding board members, I fear I might drive you completely insane within my first week, but I know that this is what I want now and I know I can find something to be passionate about that does not take up so much of my time, it may just take me a while. I know that you will be patient with me regardless of how much of an irritation I may become._

_You’re taking me away tonight but you wont tell me where, I hope you know that you are the only person who I would ever allow to surprise me in such a manner. It’s our anniversary next week, I know you’ll think I’ve forgotten but I’m not that awful a wife! I look forward to proving to you through my retirement exactly how much I love you._

_It’s time for me to go and start getting ready for this infernal party. The only thing getting me through it is knowing that afterwards we’ll be going be going to the airport and leaving the madness behind us._

_I know I say it often but it bears repeating, I wouldn’t have made it through the last few years without you and I certainly wouldn’t have managed retirement without you by my side._

_Know that I love you. Always_

_M x_

Stacking the content of the drawer into the box and marking it for home she slid the notebook and the pen into her bag and took a final look around her office. The place had seen the highs and lows of her career but now it was time for Emily to take over. Pushing herself up she grabbed her bag, heading for the door, she paused again in the doorway taking one final look and smiled, flicking off the light and pulling the door closed behind her. It felt good, it felt right.


	3. Chapter 3

Andrea sat at her dresser to remove her make up, trying to focus on her reflection in the mirror rather than let her eyes wander around the room. As she removed the cosmetic mask she eyed the changes written all over her face, changes that had begun the first time she had met Miranda Priestly when she had still been and innocent, trusting twenty something. The changes are only really noticeable to someone who is intimately familiar with her face, wrinkles around her mouth and eyes which are testament to the happiness that filled her life up to that point. Her hair, only slightly greying at the temples, for the most part still the rich, lustrous brunette that Miranda had once, a good many years before, forbidden her from dying because she loved it so much. She had wondered over the last few days whether it would be a good time for a change, wondered if seeing herself the way which Miranda had loved to see her would be too painful, because everything was already proving to be more painful than she could handle.  
They had buried Miranda that morning and although it had been expected, although they had plenty of time to come to terms with it, Andrea still felt like she had had her heart ripped out, torn up and shoved back into her chest cavity mangled beyond repair. When the cancer had returned they had quickly come to terms with the fact that they may not be lucky enough to beat it a second time round. They’d had 16 more years together doing all of the things that Miranda had realised she hadn’t done the first time, they’d spent time travelling, chasing new experiences together, reaffirming their love for each other over and over again so that when the second diagnosis came with a prognosis of months rather than years Miranda had been in a far better position to accept her fate. Andrea had simply ensured that she was by the older woman’s side through it all, that she knew exactly how much she was loved.  
Pulling the drawer in front of her open she rummaged around for a clean t-shirt, only pulling her attention away from her own reflection when her hand closed around an unfamiliar object. Looking down, her heart clenched painfully when she realised that it was Miranda’s drawer she has opened. Pulling out the object which her hand had found she frowned when she cast her eyes over a stack of moleskin notebooks tied together with a purple ribbon. Turning the stack over in her hand she tried to work out if she had ever seen them before, if she could link them with her wife in any way.  
“Grams?” the voice in the doorway pulled her attention away from the books in her hand and she looked around to find Jessica leant against the door jamb. Andrea still couldn’t fathom how much she had grown up, couldn’t wrap her head around the idea that her youngest grandchild was almost 21 and had grown up into a beautiful, well rounded young woman who was quite successfully following in her grandmothers footsteps. Miranda had loved all of her grandchildren with everything she was, but Jessica, Jessica had been her pride and joy.  
“Hey sweetheart.” She dropped the bundle onto the table top and twisted where she sat, offering the girl her full attention, “Ok?”  
“I just...” the girl shrugged as she moved towards her, dropping herself onto the end of the bed so they were facing each other. “I don’t know where to be without her here, I was just wandering.”  
“I know the feeling,” Andrea sighed, moving so she was sat beside the girl. She had done a lot of wandering of her own over the last few days and she was still yet to find a place in the house that felt right without Miranda there. “But you’re free to wander and use any room you like.” Jess’ head fell onto her shoulder and she reached up to run her fingers through red hair, “She was so proud of you, you know.”  
“She had so much faith in me, I wouldn’t be where I am now without her.”  
“She would always pride herself on spotting talent long before anyone else did, she’s been able to see it in you since you were old enough to draw.” Andrea looked down to find the girl looking up at her, her eyes shining with tears and she pulled the girl into her arms and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.  
“What are we going to do without her Grams?”  
“I don’t know honey,” she murmured, “I honestly don’t know.”

 

It felt like hours before she finally closed the door on Caro, Cass and the kids after swearing for the 100th time that she would be ok on her own. Moving through the house she flicked off the lights as she went, stopping in the kitchen to make a cup of tea before continuing upstairs to the bedroom. She wasn’t even close to tired but she wanted to change into something more comfortable and maybe read for a little while.  
She deliberated for a moment over the robes hung on the back of the bathroom door before settling on pulling on Miranda’s, needing to feel close to her in some small way. Spotting the notebooks on the dresser she scooped them up along with her tea and wandered to Miranda’s study where she curled up in the armchair which the other woman had favoured when she wasn’t sitting at her desk and pulled the throw from the back over her. She toyed for long moments with the ribbon securing the books in her lap, not sure whether she was ready to see what they were but knowing that now she had found them she wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about them until she looked at them and it was with that knowledge and a deep breath that she tugged the ribbon free. The books were well worn, the pages obviously filled and the odd extra sticking out from the uniformity of the bound pages and opening the first book she was surprised to find an envelope with her name on it in her wife’s familiar scrawl. Pulling the paper from its confines she inhaled the waft of Miranda’s signature perfume and grabbed for her glasses before she began to read.

  
_My darling Andrea,_  
 _If you are reading this, my worst fear has been realised and I have been forced to leave you. I can only hope that you know how hard I fought to stay with you for as long as I could and how very much I love you._  
 _You brought so much happiness to my life darling, happiness I never thought would be mine, happiness that, for a long time, I didn’t think I deserved. You showed me that many of the things I believed of myself were simply untrue and I can only hope that I had half the impact on your life that you have had on mine._  
 _I first started to write in this book not long after my first diagnosis when I realised how may thinks I had never said to you, never shared with you and I was worried that I would never have the chance. After my recovery I kept on writing, knowing I wanted to have something for you when I was gone, to remind you of exactly how special our relationship has been._  
 _I don’t know when you will find this, I am trusting Cassidy with slipping it into the dresser when I am gone and although I know it is possible that she might simply hand it to you, I’d like to think that she will respect my wishes and you have stumbled across it quite by accident, perhaps at a time when you need it most._  
 _Never forget Andrea, how much you are loved, how much light you have brought to my life and that of my daughters. There are many things that I know I would never have gotten through without you by my side. I know the next little while will be hard my darling and I wish so much that I could save you from this pain but alas, even the great Miranda Priestly cannot escape the inevitable. Please do not lock yourself away like I know you will want to, allow yourself the love and support that is all around you and let yourself be happy (I know you are rolling your eyes at me Mrs Sachs-Priestly, stop it!)_  
 _You’ll be here soon so I’m going to leave this there. I don’t think I have long left now and I want to spend as much of that time as I can with you._  
 _I love you my darling, never forget that._  
 _Yours, Always._  
 _M x_

  
A sob ripped through Andrea as she pressed the paper to her chest. She’d thought she was all out of tears, had managed to stay strong through the funeral, the burial and the many visitors who had filled the townhouse up afterwards, but in that moment, alone and with a very tangible reminder of what she had so recently lost clutched in her hand, the well of her sorrow refilled and overflowed. As she cried into the empty room, for what she had and what she had lost, she hugged the notebooks to her chest and sent a silent, anguished thank you to Miranda, wherever she was, for as usual, being forward thinking and prepared while all those around her had buried their heads in the sand.

Over the next several weeks, she carved out a moment of her day to return to her wife’s study and read. Some entries were harder to read than others, some brought joy with the memories they invoked. There were tears more often than not, but Andrea found as the days went on that they stopped being tears of sadness and became tears of joy for the life she had been lucky enough to share with Miranda and she found that slowly but surely she was healing. She knew she would never forget her wife, knew she would always carry the pain of the loss but she also knew that, most days, the good memories along with her children and grandchildren would keep her going.  
The morning after the final letter was read and the books were once again wrapped in their ribbon and returned to their hiding place, Andrea drove to the cemetery where her wife’s body lay and knelt by her side, talking quietly as she cleared away the dead flowers and replaced them with fresh.  
“I found your notebooks, Cassidy did what you asked and hid them for you. I can’t believe you managed to keep them from me for so long but I am so grateful for them now. They have helped me remember all of the good times and although I miss you every day, I do so knowing that we made the most of every minute of our lives together.  
Jess has spent a lot of time at the townhouse since you left, she works in your study, says she find your space inspiring. She’d dedicating her graduate collection to you, it looks amazing already Miranda, you would be so proud of her. I know that Caroline hates that her little girl is so far away but it’s nice to have someone nearby. Especially Jess who has absolutely no qualms about dragging me out of myself if I’m becoming too introspective.  
It’s starting to rain my love so I’m going to head home. I know how cross you would be if I made myself ill sitting out here.” Andrea pushed herself to her feet, trying to ignore the fact that it was no longer as easy as it had once been. Kissing her fingers she pressed them to the top of the stone and allowed a small smile. “I love you sweetheart,” she murmured, “Always.”


	4. Chapter 4

_My darling Jessica_

_For the whole of my career I have been known for my ability to spot talent long before anyone else. It is something I have always prided myself on and I’m proud to say that I’ve had my hand in some of the greatest discoveries in fashion over the last several decades. I have always been driven by a desire to see what most people don’t see, something which I have no doubt stems from growing up with no one to recognise what I was capable of._

_I spent a lot of my life believing I had talent for nothing, that only my determined nature would get me to where I wanted to be. While recognising the talent in others I failed to notice the talent in myself because my family never gave me reason to believe I had any. It has been my life’s mission to make sure that my children, then my grandchildren, could never claim the same._

_I first saw the talent in you at three years old in your love of all the different textures of fabrics and your obvious knack for finding complementary colours. I used to relish in the opportunity to take you to a gala or a showing or just to have you at Runway because you could already spot trends and your honesty meant that you had no problem speaking your mind (it was a quality I loved in you even when you upset Donatella that night you told her her dress looked like Big Bird and it wasn’t ok!). you’ll never know exactly how many layouts were changed because you pointed out something that even I had not noticed._

_I thought for a while that editing might be in your future but then I had the opportunity to watch you draw, create and I knew I had been wrong. You were made for fashion my darling and I am sure that one day your name will be up there with the greats._

_I know how hard it was to persuade your mother of this fact and there were several nights I sat on the other end of the phone while she ranted and raved about my bad influence on you. All she saw of fashion was the damage it did, the pain it inflicted on me and by extension, her and her sister, and that is not the life she wants for you, it’s not the life I want for you either. I do know that she is proud of you though sweetheart and that she sees the talent in you that I have always seen. I know too that you will handle your success better than I ever did._

_You are probably wondering why I am rambling so, it is mostly because I cannot find the words to properly express how proud I am of you and how assured I am that you will succeed in anything you put your mind to. I love you my darling and I am heartbroken to know that I will not get to see you grow any further into the wonderful woman you are shaping up to be._

_I found this sketch book when I was sorting through a box of very old things and knew immediately that it was meant for you. Keep it as a reminder of how much I love you, a reminder that your talent is seen and believed in, even in your darkest days, that someone has faith in you even when you don’t have faith in yourself._

_Look after yourself sweetheart, grasp every opportunity that is thrown your way and live the life I know you deserve. Look after your Grams for me, I know you will make sure she doesn’t lose her shine._

_Never forget that I love you, that I believe in you. Always._

_Grandma Randa x_

Jessica read the letter again and again, unable to stop the tears streaming down her cheeks. She missed her grandmother more than she could quantify, the older woman had been her driving force and her strongest supporter and without her she wasn’t sure how she was going to keep on going. Every time she had sat down to work since the woman’s passing she had only been able to sit and stare at a blank page, ideas unable or unwilling to make themselves heard.

The letter and the book had been waiting for her when she returned home from the funeral and she’d opened it immediately, been unable to put it down. Sliding the string from around the sketchbook she slowly absorbed every detail. She’d seen her grandmother sketch before but they had been rough doodles compared to what she was holding. Each sketch was precise and neat, the notes lining the margins concise but informative. There were some re-workings of classic statement pieces with alternate suggestions for colour or fabric but for the most part they were original designs. Jess couldn’t fathom how no one had ever noticed exactly how much talent her grandmother had.

In the moment, looking at her the work of the woman who had inspired and encouraged her for all of her life she realised that she could and would continue to move forward. She would re-find her muse and her success and she could do it because, not only did she have Miranda Priestley’s blood pumping in her veins, but more importantly she had the support, love and faith of the most powerful woman fashion had ever seen and she was ready to make her proud.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Andrea's heart constricted painfully as she took in the pictures projected onto the screens around the event space. Jessica had warned her of what to expect but even the knowledge hadn't prepared her for seeing her wife's face all over the place. The central image, a composite of Miranda at the height of her publishing power, facing a recent image of their granddaughter, their profiles almost identical drew her eye and she couldn't help but smile, it really was beautiful and summed up the premise of the collection beautifully. It was Jess' first show since finishing her degree and the line had been two years in the making, Jess, ever the perfectionist like her grandmother, had worked tirelessly to bring her vision and the older woman's vision to life and Andrea was pleased that she could be there to see the fruits of the girls labor. After graduation Jess had moved into the town house, converting the attic into a live in studio and the older woman had barely seen her, regularly having to venture upstairs to remind her to eat and sleep. She reminded her so much of how Miranda had been in the beginning that she worried for a long time that she was going to follow in her grandmothers footsteps, working too hard and not making meaningful connections, something which Miranda had hated the idea of for any of her family. It all changed when Jess met Kat though, she'd seen the change in her granddaughter immediately, Jess had been truly happy for the first time since Miranda's death, she had spent time out of the house while still managing to be productive and it was very obvious that their little girl was in love. Kat was a perfect balance for her and Andrea was quietly sure that they would stay together for the long haul.

Spotting Caroline and Cassidy in the front row she wandered through the gathered crowd and took the seat between them,

"Hey Ma," Caroline smiled, pressing a kiss to her cheek at the same time as Cassidy did the same on her other side,

"Hey," she offered, squeezing both of their hands, "Where are the boys?"

"They're around somewhere," Cassidy shrugged, "Probably following a champagne tray around, you know what they are like."

"Quite," Andrea chuckled, "How is Jessica doing? I didn't want to go back and get in her way."

"She's flapping but everything is ready, she'll be fine as soon as the first model steps out."

 

They talked quietly as the seats around them filled up and the boys returned from wherever they had been. When the lights dimmed one of the twins took each hand and she held her breath as a lamp back lit the first model giving away nothing but a silhouette as snippets of interviews that Miranda had given over the years played over the speakers and images from the sketchbook that her wife had left Jess flashed across the screen. Hearing her wife's voice after so long without was a shock to her system but it soon became a secondary concern as the models started moving down the runway, finally unveiling what Jess had been so secretive about for the last two years.

Andrea was the first on her feet when all of the models reappeared with Jessica at their head, but it wasn't long until the rest of the room were up with her applauding. The collection was amazing, a perfect combination of Miranda's original designs and Jessica's unique style, something Miranda would have been totally proud of. Their little girl was all grown up and Andrea could see in the moment that Miranda had been right all along, Jessica was talented and she would go far.

 

"Grams!" the minute Jess spotted her she pushed her way through the group of reporters and reps around her in a breach of etiquette which would have had Miranda spitting fire, and bounded towards her. Andrea pulled her into a hug and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"It was wonderful my love,"

"You think so?"

"I know so, and so do all of these people who want to speak to you. Your grandmother would have been exceptionally proud and exceptionally smug no doubt."

"I wish she was here," Jessica murmured and Andrea tightened her hold,

"I know sweetheart, I do too, but she was here, in some small way, in every piece that walked down that Runway." over her granddaughters shoulder she could see the clamor of people waiting to speak to her, "Look, you need to speak to all of these people, I'll see you at home? I'll make dinner for everyone."

"You wont stay?"

"No darling, but I'll see you at the house ok, bring everyone back with you." since losing Miranda, Andrea had avoided the press at all costs, not needing to hear what they wanted to say, what questions they thought were appropriate. They had cooled towards the family considerably after Miranda's retirement, realizing that there was bigger news to write about that two women who were happy together, that was until Miranda's second diagnosis. It had all picked up again then, all the way through the relatively short battle, the funeral and the weeks that followed and Andrea didn't want to go back there, didn't want to be asked how she was since she had lost her wife.

"Ok," Jessica stepped away and offered a smile, "We'll be back soon ok?"

"Don't rush, enjoy the moment. Your grandmother would come back and kill me if she thought you'd rushed because of me. My car will be waiting, I'll see you at home my darling."

 

Later that night, having excused herself from the gathering downstairs, Andrea sat at her desk in the study attempting to edit the manuscript laid out in front of her. Her fourth novel had been published the year before, the process had helped her greatly through the first year after Miranda's death but now that that was done she knew that it was time she stopped avoiding the promise she had made to her wife before she died.

After retirement Miranda had, predictably, gotten very bored very quickly. After talking through her options and finding some charities she could actively support Miranda had decided that she wanted to write a book which had rather swiftly morphed into two books. The first, a fashion retrospective spanning Miranda's decades in the industry with snippets of inside information and Miranda's own honest opinions, had been released six years later and had been a huge success. The second, Miranda's memoir which had caused a bidding war the likes of which Andrea had never seen, was what was sitting on Andrea's desk half edited. It was a process they had started together but when Miranda had gotten too ill to focus she'd made Andrea promise that she would be the one who finished the job. It was a painful process though, especially since she had reached the part where she had begun to appear in the older woman's life as well as in her thoughts, Miranda was being candidly honest, giving insight into their story which only they had shared up until this point and although it was wonderful to know that Miranda was happy to share that side of their relationship it was a hard memory to work through after so little time.

A knock at the door pulled her attention away from the text and she pushed her glasses up onto her head as she called for whoever it was to come in. It was Kat's face that appeared around the door and she ushered her in with a smile as she moved to the sofa.

"Sorry to interrupt you, I just wondered if we could have a chat?"

"Of course honey, come and sit down, what's going on?"

"Well," Kat started and Andrea could see that she was nervous, "I've spoken to Caroline and Peter already but I wanted to speak to you too. I know how much Jess loves you and how much your opinion means to her and well, I wanted to ask for your blessing in asking Jess to marry me." it was moments like that, the important moments, that Andrea was sure that she could feel Miranda's presence at her back, her hand on her shoulder, and subconsciously her own hand moved to cover it.

"Oh Kat," she smiled, "of course you have my blessing, what Jess has with you is all I've ever wanted for her, you understand her and her work and you make her happy, I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm honored that you even thought to ask me."

"You and Miranda mean so much to Jess and I know she means an awful lot to you too, I wanted you to be part of this. My only regret is that Miranda can't be part of it too."

"And mine," Andrea nodded, pushing herself to her feet, "Though she would have grilled you very intently on your intentions before giving you even the slightest hint she was happy for you. She'd have liked you though Kat, I can tell you that much."

"I wish I could have met her and told her that my only intention for Jess is to make her happy and love her for as long as she will let me."

"That's all either of us would ever ask of you," she said, squeezing the girls shoulder, "Why don't you pour us both a drink and I'll be back in a second."

 

When she returned a few minutes later Kat was looking much more relaxed, a tumbler of whiskey cradled in her hand, a second on the coffee table.

"I imagine you already have a ring and a plan but I want you to have this too." It wasn't a flashy engagement ring by any means, Andrea hadn't been able to afford flashy at the time, it was simple, vintage, with a diamond flanked on either side by much smaller white diamonds. Miranda had professed that she loved it even through Andrea's apologies for it and it wasn't until several years later when Andrea was financially comfortable but Miranda had refused a replacement ring, that she actually believed her.

"Oh Andrea I couldn't."

"You could and you will, Miranda wanted Jess to have this and I do too," Andrea smiled, pressing the box into the girls hand and hugging her before settling back into her seat with her tumbler in hand, "Now tell me, how are you going to propose to my only granddaughter?"

 


	6. Chapter 6

Jessica climbed out of her car and stood on the sidewalk, looking up at the townhouse for a few moments and allowing all of the memories from all the time she had spent there wash over her. It wasn't until her daughter tugged at her hand and her wife slipped an arm around her from behind that she snapped back to the present with a blink. Bending down she scooped her little girl up into her arms, surreptitiously checking the street as she mounted the steps. She wished she could be surprised that there was already a small gathering of reporters and a news van massed a semi-respectable distance from the house, nothing was sacred anymore but the hospital would be getting a reminder of the confidentiality agreement they had signed before the day was through. 

Once inside she followed the sound of quiet conversation to the kitchen where her mom and dad and aunt were gathered around the breakfast bar drinking tea.

"Hey," she said quietly, drawing all of their attention and gladly walking into her mother's embrace. The call they had all been dreading for months had come and she knew that her brothers and cousins were all flying across the country to be there, she had been on her way out to the car, dragging her family along behind her, before her mother had finished telling her what was going on.

"Hey sweety," she felt her mom press a kiss to her forehead and then to her daughters, "Thanks for coming so quickly."

"You know I wouldn't be anywhere else," she said, letting Randi down to go see her Pops and accepting a hug from her aunt, pleased when she stepped back and Kat's calming presence was with her immediately

"They've made her comfortable," her mom reached out and squeezed her hand, her wife squeezing her shoulder at the same time, "She's been asking for you, why don't you go up?"

"I'll keep an eye on Randi, take your time baby and call if you need one of us." she turned into Kat's body, buried her face in the other woman's neck and took a deep breath and tried to psych herself up for what she knew was going to be one of the toughest conversations of her life. She felt Kat's arms tighten around her, a kiss pressed to her temple, "You're ok my love." with another deep breath she stepped away, gave the other woman a tight smile and turned for the stairs. 

Pushing her way into the room she tried to ignore the telemetry that had followed her from the hospital as she took a seat on the edge of the bed. 

"Hey Grams," she said quietly, taking the hand closest to her and squeezing the fingers lightly.

"Jessica?" her grandmothers voice was rough but the eyes which turned to her were still bright. Andrea hadn't changed much since her Grandma Randa had died, her hair was much more silver than brown now, the wrinkles on her face deeper, but she had continued to be active and full of life right up until her diagnosis.

"That's right," she leant forward and pressed a kiss to the older woman's forehead, settling back into her seat, closer than she had started so they could talk quietly, "How are you?"

"Well you know," Andrea's chuckle turned into a hacking cough and Jess moved to her side and helped her take a sip of water. "I'm ok, stay up here with me wont you?" Jess settled onto the bed next to the older woman and allowed herself to be pulled into her side. They lay in silence for several long moments and Jess took comfort of her Grams' steady breathing against her ear.

"I'm going to miss you Grams," she said quietly, hating that her voice was choked and her eyes were wet with tears.

"Oh honey," she could feel the woman's fingers sifting through her hair and took comfort in the familiar action, "I wish I didn't have to leave, you've all got so much life to live and I wish I could stick around and see it but I'm so tired my darling, I can't fight it anymore."

"I know Grams, I don't want you to be hurting, I want you and grandma back together, I just wish it could be here with us."

 

When she woke up she knew it had happened, the house felt different, stiller somehow, than it had for the last few days, at peace. Rolling onto her side she watched over her wife and her daughter who were sprawled over the other side of the bed and allowed the tears to fall. In part they were tears of relief, she’d hated seeing her Grams in pain, hated seeing her going in and out of hospital and hated catching the flash of pain in her eyes when she thought of her wife, but, selfishly, she wished that she could have held on, that they could have had even a little more time together. Pressing a kiss to her daughters head she slid from bed, needing to be somewhere where she could feel close to both of her grandparents. Sliding into the study they had shared she was only half surprised to find her aunt curled up in the corner of the sofa, one of the many family albums spread across her lap.

“Hey,” she said quietly, curling herself into the empty space and resting her head on her aunts shoulder, the older woman’s eyes were red and puffy, confirming further what had happened through the night.

“Hey sweetheart, are you ok?”

“I’m going to miss her,” she said quietly and she felt a kiss pressed to her head before the older woman began to flick through the album again and she allowed the tears to fall freely again, mourning what they had lost, what they had had. She watched the images in the album which predated her, her mom and her aunt, still teenagers with masses of red hair, still looking very much the identical twins they were but had grown out of somewhat as they got older (and her aunt had had some work done!). Her Grams was younger, maybe even younger than she herself was, but still with that contagious grin that she was so well known for and her Grandma Randa was everything you would expect of the Editor in Chief of Runway Magazine.

“We gave her so much shit in the beginning,” the older woman chuckled, stopping at a picture of Grams covered in mud, glaring at an equally muddy St Bernard as the twins looked on smirking, not a speck of dirt on them.

“Why?” she’d only ever seen how much love there was between them all and although she had heard snippets of how the family had come to be she had never known all of the details.

“We were pranksters and your grandmothers assistants were prime targets for us. We nearly got Ma fired the first time she delivered the book, talked her into bringing it upstairs instead of leaving it in the hall. She walked right into the middle of a fight between mom and her husband at the time.”

“Oh shit,”

“Mhm, that was the time mom demanded she get us the unpublished Harry Potter manuscript in the space of about six hours or not bother going back. I still don’t know how Ma managed it but she got it for us. After that though, and every other thing we pulled over the years, it’s a wonder we ever managed to be a family.”

“She loved you guys like you were her own,” she said quietly, running her fingers lightly over the smiling faces in the photograph, “Did they ever try to have more kids?”

“I know they talked about it, Ma always said that she had never thought about having a family until us but I think mom was really into the idea of them having a child together. Thinking about it there was a time when Ma got really depressed and Mom got super protective so I don’t know. They told us they might try but then we heard nothing else about it.”

“You think they tried and it didn’t work out?” she knew how that was, how much you didn’t want to tell anyone you were even trying until you knew for sure that something had stuck, the feeling when it didn’t work after so much time and energy, Cassidy shrugged and continued flicking.

“They could have done, I know mom wouldn’t push if it didn’t work out the first time, she hated hurting Ma. They just never spoke about it again.”

“They really were soul mates weren’t they?” she sighed, noticing that the other woman had stopped again on a picture from their wedding day. Her Grams was grinning into the camera, her grandmother smiling lovingly up at her new wife, they both looked so happy and it made Jessica glad that, wherever they were, they were back together again where they belonged.

“Oh yeah, I didn’t think I’d ever see mom really happy until Ma came along. I honestly don’t think it would have worked so well if Ma hadn’t worked at Runway first, it meant she understood the pressures Mom was under and didn’t get snarky if she had to miss dinner or she was late home. Mom changed for her too though.”

“Their relationship is what I aspire to.”

“You don’t think you have that with Kat?”

“I think we have parts of it, I like to think she’s my soul mate and god I love her but I know few people are lucky enough to have it all. Grams and Grandma, they got their one in a million chance, I’m just glad they get to be together again.”

 

She tried not to look at the coffin as she passed it to reach the lectern, pulled out her flashcards and took a deep steadying breath before she looked up to face the gathered people. She had asked to do the eulogy, had spent hours working on it, but now she was there she wasn’t sure that she could do it. It wasn’t until her eyes found her wife in the second row that her resolve solidified.

“Grams was many things before my brothers, cousins and I came along. She was a daughter, a sister, a best friend and a colleague. She was a partner, a wife and an unsuspecting step-ma. Then we all came along and she was Grams, then later Great Grams.

Anyone who met her would say that she was contagiously happy, she always had a smile ready for anyone and I don’t think I ever saw her truly mad, although having heard some of the tales of what my aunt and my mom got up to I imagine she did get a little mad sometimes.

I think a lot of people were surprised when Grams and Grandma got together but all I have ever known of them was how much they loved each other, how much they were meant to be together, that they were soul mates.” She paused, took a deep breath, willing the tears she could feel burning in her eyes to stay where they were until she finished,

“She proved the people who accused her of only being with Grandma for her name and for her money wrong by working hard to make her own name first in journalism where she won several awards for pieces on refugee crises across the globe and Presidential elections closer to home. Later she took on the literary world, writing novels at the same time as working as an editor for an esteemed publishing house. Even doing all of this, she made the time to build a happy, safe home for first her step daughters and then for her grandchildren.

When we lost Grandma, Grams was the strongest woman I have ever met, stronger than all of us, even though it was obvious that her heart was breaking. She held our family together and offered us a safe place to remember her.

I’m going to miss her so much, we all are, but I know that I at least find a small amount of comfort in knowing that whatever comes after this life, Grams and Grandma Randa are there together now, where they are meant to be.” The tears were falling now and she moved back to her seat, pressing her hand against the coffin as she passed before sliding back into her space, accepting her daughter back into her lap and burying her face in the little girls hair.

“You’re ok sweetheart, I’ve got you.” Kat murmured and she sank into the arm which looped around her shoulder as her heart broke.

 

“Randi, don’t run too far ahead,” she said, her arm wrapped around Kat who was pushing the stroller. It was a nice day, the oppression of the freezing winter and early spring seemed to have lifted and it was a perfect day for the families first real trip out as a foursome. Randi was skipping along in front of them, the baby was asleep and she and Kat were content to just take their time.

“You ok?” Kat asked, twisting to press a kiss to her cheek,

“Yeah,” she offered her wife a smile and squeezed her waist. It had been seven and a half months since they had buried Andrea and although it was easier, Kat knew that her wife’s heightened emotions meant that the tears could come at any time. They hadn’t known at the time that Jess was pregnant but she knew her wife wished they had so that she could have shared the news with her Grams before they died. It was such a long process with such a high possibility of failure that they hadn’t even told anyone they were trying again until they knew that it had stuck, but she knew Jess wished that out of anyone she had at least told the older woman so that she could have known she was going to be a Great Grandmother again.

“There was no way you could have known darling,” Kat said quietly and yet again Jess marvelled at how well the other woman knew her,

“I know, I just...”

“Hey,” Kat pulled them to a halt and turned to wrap her arms more fully around her, “She was so proud of her, they both were and wherever they are they are still keeping an eye on you. You need to let go of all of the buts and maybes love, they wouldn’t want you to feel like this.”

“I know,” Jess sighed and offered a small smile, “I’m sorry. I love you.”

“I love you too darling, now come on, let’s introduce Andrew to his great grandmothers and get home, your mom and dad will be waiting and if we leave her too long your mother will have cleaned the place down!”

 


	7. Recovery 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, I managed to only forget about cross posting to here for about a month not several years!
> 
> This part does come with the obligatory tissue warning (I'm not even going to pretend that it doesn't but maybe one day I might be able to write something that stays happy...) Our favorite ladies also get a little bit frisky (but only a little bit because the minute I started trying to write it my brain started screaming 'no, you can't write sex, you're not 13 anymore, you know what it's actually like. YOU CAN'T WRITE THIS!' at me an I panicked a little!)
> 
>  
> 
> A little formatting note for this part: Diary entries are in bold italics and flashbacks are in italics. I hope it reads ok as I felt like I had to differentiate somehow and that was the only way I could think of that might work.

It was over a year after Andrea died that Jess and Kat got round to clearing out the Townhouse’s attic. The house had been left to her mother and aunt but both had insisted that Jess and her family should be the ones to move in because they were the only ones living in New York at the time and nobody wanted to sell it. Jessica couldn’t turn down the offer, she had loved the townhouse all of her life, had always felt more at peace, more inspired there than she did anywhere else and her family were quickly outgrowing their apartment in Prospect Heights.

Before they moved in they did out all of the major rooms, turned one of the guest rooms into a nursery and let Randi choose her own room and, to a certain extent, how it was to be decorated. They updated the master bedroom so that it was more to their tastes, brought in some of their own furniture and that was that; anything else that needed to be done could be done around them and that was very little.

With two children under the age of three at home and not wanting to miss out on them growing up, Jessica made the decision to move back into her studio on the third floor where she had started off just after graduation, only going into the office once or twice a week  and added a desk for Kat where she could write and edit when she was working from home. It was perfect for their family and Jessica was pleased that she could bring her children up in a home where she had always experienced so much love and support.

The attic was on their To Do list from the very beginning, Aunt Cassidy had claimed to never have seen anything come down from the space, only go up and if that was the case that meant decades worth of stuff to work through. It was going to be a big, no doubt interesting, job but with two children and their jobs to deal with it wasn’t something which they had the spare time to do. It took Kat’s parents taking the kids away for the weekend for them to even consider it and, even after they had agreed they would do it, they spent the first few days enjoying the lie ins and uninterrupted quality time together. When they did venture up into the space Jess spent several long moments unable to do anything but stare at exactly how much was up there and how long it was going to take them to go through everything.  There was the expected furniture and stacks of boxes but what Jess was drawn to first was the racks and racks of garment bags.

It wasn’t until long after that first venture upstairs, once the hundreds of thousands worth of couture had been dealt with and the furniture sold, that Jess got to the boxes of personal items that she knew they would want to keep in the family. It was in those boxes that Jess found all of the photo albums and journals, she was hesitant at first, about reading anything one of her grandmothers had written, but reasoned that if they hadn’t wanted them to be seen by anyone they would have destroyed them rather than storing them and she found herself hungry to know more about a couple who had been so open yet so private at the same time. It was a late night when sleep wouldn’t come that she finally cracked, pulling a book at random from one of the boxes and settling down to read, a grizzly Andrew curled against her chest.

**_I’m pregnant!_ **

**_Miranda is going to kill me for doing the test too early and doing it without her but I knew something felt different and I just couldn’t wait..._ **

_Andrea looked at the blue line in the stick in her hand in utter disbelief. They’d done it, on their second cycle of treatment they’d actually done it. They were going to have a baby. She wasn’t supposed to do a test for another few weeks and she certainly wasn’t supposed to do it without Miranda_ , _but she hadn’t been able to help herself. She’d felt strange for days, not nauseous exactly but not right for her, she’d thought about mentioning it to Miranda but she knew that the older woman would have told her that it was probably psychosomatic and would have insisted that they wait until they went to the hospital to do the test._

_Wrapping the pregnancy test in toilette paper she shoved it down to the bottom of the rubbish bin and washed her hands, all the while watching herself in the mirror. Somehow she felt like she should look different now that she was carrying a life inside of her but she didn’t, she was still just Andy and she wondered when that would change, if it would change. Moving back through to the bedroom she decided against putting on her robe since the girls were out for the night and crawled into the middle of the bed, propping herself up with some pillows, her hand moving to gently stroke over her still flat stomach. Miranda would be home soon, she’d tell her, of course she would, but in that moment she was happy to simply lie back and absorb the moment._

_That was where Miranda found her on her return from the magazine an hour later. All the tension she had been carrying from the awful day she had had seeping away at the sight of her wife, in just her underwear, curled up in the middle of their bed looking perfectly relaxed. Dropping her coat and her bag in the doorway she made quick work of her shirt and slacks as she crossed the room so that by the time she slid her body over the other woman’s only underwear was in the way of full skin to skin contact. As she pressed their bodies together Andrea’s eyes fluttered open and the blinding smile she received was enough to melt away any remaining tension she was holding in her body._

_“I should let the girls go on sleepovers more often if this is what I get to come home to,” she purred, stroking her fingers down Andrea’s neck and across her clavicle, thrilled that she could still raise goose bumps on the younger woman’s skin with the barest touch, “You’re exquisite.”_

_“You aren’t all that bad yourself,” Andrea smirked, her hands moving to graze up the thighs which bracketed her hips, moving until her fingers until they slipped under the edges of Miranda’s underwear, “I...” whatever she was about to say trailed off as Miranda’s mouth descended on her neck at the same time as questing fingers slid into her bra, all she could do was groan, her fingers tightening where they lay on the older woman’s skin._

_Miranda’s mouth didn’t stay where it was for long, moving to the brunette’s mouth and initiating a kiss while her hands continued to move over her breasts and stomach, picking out every point which she knew made her wife squirm and hitting them all in quick succession. By the time they broke apart, panting against each others faces, Andrea had Miranda’s bra off and Andrea’s underwear was being pushed down her thighs._

_“Want to know a secret?” Andrea whispered against Miranda’s mouth and the older woman shivered, capturing those lips again for a long moment before pulling away and regarding her wife with twinkling blue eyes,_

_“Always,” she smirked and as her fingers found Andrea’s heat, felt exactly how ready she was for her, she groaned._

_“We’re having a baby Miranda,” Andrea watched the older woman’s eyes flash and darken as the words filtered through,_

_“You’re having my baby, my baby is inside of you?” she groaned and Andrea chuckled, reaching up to cup her cheek and bring their foreheads, their eyes, together._

_“Your baby Mira’” she said quietly, “You got me pregnant.” She gasped as two strong fingers filled her, starting up a maddeningly slow pace, Miranda’s eyes almost black with want. Andrea found it equal parts adorable and arousing that the thought of her carrying their baby had such an effect on her wife and she was more than happy to reap the benefits. By the time she came it was almost a relief and she allowed herself to be pulled, boneless, into her wife’s arms as loving kisses were peppered all over her face and hair._

_“I love you,” Miranda murmured over and over again, “I love you so much.”_

Jessica closed the diary with a sad smile after she had read a few entries where her Grams wrote and wrote about how excited they both were about the baby, about telling the twins. She had to make herself stop before she came to what she knew was coming. There had never been a third Sachs-Priestly child which meant at some point her grandmothers had lost the baby. Knowing her Grams she knew she would have written her way through it but she knew that she wasn’t ready to read that, not yet. Tucking the book down the side of the armchair she eased herself up, careful not to disturb Andrea now that he was finally sleeping. Tucking her son into bed, she pressed a kiss to his forehead and switched on the nightlight before slipping out of the room in search of her wife, she felt the need to have the other woman close and hoped she was nearly finished with the work that had kept her chained to her desk since she had come home from the office so they could go to bed and try and get some actual sleep.

 

 

It was a few weeks until she felt ready to read further and had the time to do so. Andrew becoming mobile was really keeping them all on their toes and that added to a commission to complete and Kat’s parents visiting they were all exhausted.

The night after Kat’s parents had left, after a full day of lazing around and watching movies and the kids tucked up in bed, Jess grabbed the journal from where she had left it the last time and went in search of Kat who she found curled up in their bed with a book. Getting comfortable and with Kat’s head on her shoulder, she cracked the book open and was pleased that she had stopped where she had the last time and that Kat was close enough to touch, she got the feeling she was going to need a hug at some point.

**_It’s been a few weeks when usually I don’t miss a day but I haven’t known how to put what has happened or how I feel about it into words. I still don’t think I’m ready but my therapist has suggested that this might help and at this point I’m willing to try anything to try and make all of this even a little bit better..._ **

_Miranda was in the middle of a run through when her phone began to ring on the desk, aware that they were running behind already she silenced the call and turned her attention back to her staff. When it began to ring again immediately Miranda flipped it over to check the caller id, seeing her wife’s name she held up her hand to stop what Nigel was saying and answered. She and Andrea had an understanding that if either of them didn’t answer the phone it was because they were busy with something and if that was the case they wouldn’t bother the other until they let them know they were free, for Andrea to call her back she knew there must be something wrong._

_“Darling?”_

_“Miranda,” there was a tone to the younger woman’s voice that made Miranda’s blood run cold and she waved that staff out of the room, pleased when they took the hint and left her alone,_

_“Darling where are you?”_

_“The hospital, Miranda I know you’re busy but please...” Miranda was on her feet and out of the door in a flash, calling for someone to have Roy outside without breaking stride and without waiting around for her coat and bag._

_“I’m on my way darling, tell me what’s happening, are you ok, is the baby ok?”_

_“I. I don’t know,” Miranda was pleased she was alone in the lift as she was unable to stop herself leaning heavily against the wall and closing her eyes against the sting of tears, Andrea sounded so small, so utterly terrified and it broke her heart. When the lift doors opened she practically ran across the lobby no longer caring who was watching, just needing to get to her wife as quickly as she could._

_“I’m getting in the car now darling ok, I’m coming.”_

_Miranda tore through the maternity ward like a woman possessed, pleased when everyone was sensible enough not to stop her movement until Dr Patricia Bennett stepped in front of her and carefully steered her into her office._

_“Where is she?” she demanded, the editor in chief very much in residence as she tried to hold herself together until she knew exactly what was going on._

_“I need you to calm down first Miranda,” the doctor told her, and it was only because they had known each other since Miranda’s pregnancy with the twins that she got away with it, “the nurse is in with Andrea, take a few deep breaths and I’ll take you to see her, you need to be prepared though.”_

_“The baby?” she asked quietly and her heart broke apart at the minute shake of the doctors head, “What...”_

_“I’m sorry Miranda, Andrea has suffered a miscarriage. We’ve sent off some bloods to be tested but there’s a high chance that they wont show anything, unfortunately often these things happen and there is no explanation for them. Andrea has lost a fair amount of blood since she came in so she’s going to e a little woozy but as soon as she has another bag of fluids and platelets on board she’s free to leave. I’m going to say this to Andrea too but I’d like to suggest a therapist for both of you. This is a really awful thing that has happened and although it hasn’t physically happened to you like it has to Andrea it is still your loss as well and it’s important that you both work through it.”_

_“As much as I appreciate you talking me through everything Patricia,” Miranda said quietly, clamping down on her desire to cry, to throw up, to curl up in a corner and deny that any of this was happening, knowing that she needed to be strong for Andrea, “I would really appreciate being taken to see my wife. Now.”_

_“Of course Miranda, come with me.” Miranda allowed herself to be led out of the room and a little way along the corridor to a side room that a nurse was just stepping out of, “I’m just going to leave you two together, you know where I am if you need anything, otherwise I’ll pop back along in about an hour and see how the fluids are going,”_

_“Thank you Patricia,”_

_“No need to thank me, now go on, your wife needs you.” Miranda gave a brief nod, took a deep breath and pushed the door into the room open, letting it close quietly behind her. Andrea was sat in the centre of a larger than usual hospital bed, her knees pulled up to her chin, she was white as a sheet and although her eyes were fixed on the window Miranda knew for a fact that she wasn’t seeing anything at all._

_“Darling?” she said gently, moving further into the room and settling on the edge of the bed. She watched her wife blink a few times, turning so she could look at her, with a sad smile she reached out to take the other woman’s hand only to have her flinch away, shaking her head/_

_“Don’t Miranda please, I can’t, not yet, not here.” Andrea’s voice sounded rough, her face blank and unchanging, but her eyes told Miranda everything she needed to know and she understood perfectly, “I’m sorry.”_

_“No, I understand, but I’m right here ok darling, I’m not going anywhere.”_

_In the end it was two hours before Andrea was deemed physically well enough to be released and they were given a laundry list of do’s and don’ts and things to look out for. Miranda was pleased that Andrea allowed her to support her out to the waiting car but as soon as they were settled inside the distance returned and Miranda spent the journey staring out of the window and fidgeting with her fingers to stop her from reaching out._

_The townhouse was quiet and Miranda was pleased that the girls were with their father that week. They had told them that they were seriously considering trying for a baby but not that they had been expecting and in light of what had happened that day, Miranda didn’t think she would have been able to talk to them about it without breaking apart, and she knew Andrea would be in no fit state to deal with them right away._

_As soon as they were through the door Andrea disappeared, albeit slowly, up the stairs and for the moment Miranda allowed it, knowing that the other woman would want to get out of the hospital scrubs she had been given to wear home and probably have a shower and she had shown no desire to be near to or to speak to Miranda yet. She understood, or at least she was trying to, quite sure that if the same thing had happened to her she would shut down too, but it was difficult to watch knowing how much her wife was hurting and not being able to do anything to fix it._

_Remembering the doctors words about making sure Andrea ate something and took on plenty of fluids Miranda headed for the kitchen to throw something together. She didn’t for a second think that either of them would manage to eat anything that day and the only fluid she wanted was a gallon of scotch but she needed to do something to keep herself busy, to stop herself thinking._

_When she’d finished preparing a plate of fruit and a pot of lemon ginger tea she took a deep breath and headed up the stairs, knowing that she couldn’t and shouldn’t avoid what was to come any longer. She found Andrea curled up on their bed, her wet hair pulled up into a messy bun, her body covered in a pair of leggings and a North Western hoody which she knew she only ever wore when she was feeling utterly terrible. The younger woman barely reacted when she entered the room so she left the tray on the bedside table and slipped into the closet to change out of her work clothes and into something more comfortable. She tried her hardest to ignore the bag which contained Andrea’s ruined clothes, she would have happily left them at the hospital and allowed them to be incinerated, but, on auto pilot, Andrea had clearly picked them up with the rest of her things, Miranda would make sure they were dealt with, but that could wait until later. She was surprised but pleased when she wandered back into the bedroom and Andrea was sitting up, sipping a mug of tea, she looked washed out and exhausted but when she looked up as Miranda crossed the room she could see a small spark of her wife lingering in her eyes._

_“Hey,” she said quietly, sitting by the younger woman’s knees and reaching for her own drink, “At the risk of sounding utterly ridiculous but also at a loss as to what to say, how are you feeling?”_

_“I don’t know,” the younger woman said honestly, “Aside from exhausted and sore, I have no idea about the rest.”_

_“That’s understandable darling,” she reached out then and was rewarded with Andrea’s hand holding strongly to hers, “but if you can eat something you can take one of the pain pills that the doctor prescribed.”_

_“I don’t think I can.” Andrea said quietly, “Could you. I. Can we just curl up for a little while. Please?”_

_“Of course sweetheart,” Miranda gave her hand a final squeeze before letting go so she could move to her side of the bed, propping herself up with some pillows she held out her arm for her wife. Andrea curled into her immediately, burying her face in her neck and clinging to her tightly, Miranda hummed quietly and stroked her fingers over her back, when she felt tears begin to soak through her jumper she pulled the younger woman closer and pressed kisses to her forehead._

_I’ve got you darling, you’re ok, I’ve got you.”_

**_I think what made me realise that things really weren’t going as well as I wanted to think they were, was finding Miranda in the closet crying. Without me knowing, and against her better judgement she said, she had started gathering a few things for the baby. It was mostly a few cute baby grows, a little hat and a teddy but I think with everything that happened it slipped her mind or she’d decided not to think about it. She’d gone up to clear out for the new season and she’d been gone for a while so I went looking for her, I’ve been finding it hard to be away from her for too long recently, especially when I know she’s in the house somewhere. I found her sat on the floor in the middle of the closet, her knees hugged to her chest, sobbing her heart out surrounded by baby things._ **

**_Since the day it happened she’d held it together so that I didn’t have to and maybe I should have realised it earlier, but finding her like that told me all I needed to know, she wasn’t coping and, as I crumbled beside her and pulled her into my arms, I realised I wasn’t coping half as well as I kept telling myself I was either._ **

**_We decided that night that both of us needed to see a therapist and neither of us could do this again._ **

****

Jess pressed the book closed and took a few deep, steadying breaths, wiping the tears from her face. Kat had long since fallen asleep beside her and she pressed a kiss to her head before quietly slipping out of the room. She went to Randi’s room first, padding carefully across the floor and lowering herself onto the edge of the mattress. She watched her sleep peacefully for a few long moments before kissing her forehead and slipping out to go through the same routine with Andrew. There wasn’t a day that went by that she wasn’t thankful for her babies, her miracles, but knowing what her grandmothers had been through only to come out heartbroken made her want to hold her children tight and never let them go. As she slid back into her own bed and curled around her wife she sent a silent thought to the two women she had looked up to all her life, two women who’s strength continued to surprise her and make her strong and who she wished she could hug one last time.

**Author's Note:**

> During the process of writing and publishing the first few chapters of this fic I lost my own grandmother and therefore this work is also dedicated to her, a woman who supported me all my life and never wanted or expected me to be anything other than who I was. She never read any of my fic, I think trying to explain to her what fanfiction was might have blown her mind! But I know she would have supported me if she had known it was something I did.


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